He approached me on Wednesday and explained I was to have no plans on Thursday afternoon, nothing else being said and no allowance for questions. My head began to fill with ideas of what I might be doing. I knew due to finances, time and our schedule we were not going on a trip. One idea at a time I tried to figure out what he was planning. I gave up, went about my day and decided to just be surprised and enjoy the adventure for that is what he desired for me.
Thursday morning came, I posted about what Daniel was doing with lots of comments and likes. My husband surprised me with 6 envelopes leading me from one pampering to the next. The post was not to get attention, envy or show off this adventure. I posted this because first, yes, I am in love with my husband and so appreciative how he still wants to surprise me after 16 years. I also posted in hopes that it might challenge some couples, in their marriage to pursue one another and not give up.
When Daniel and I were first married, my father shared some wisdom we have applied to our marriage; “I chose your mother, Mindy, for the rest of my life. You and your siblings were given to us temporarily. I knew you would move on. But I picked your mother for the rest of my days. I will always choose her first”. WOW! How I have come to see this and realize the truth of this in my own marriage. Understand, I love my children deeply, but they will leave me one day. My time with them now is to love and teach them how to go into the world one day without me. Daniel and I are to be godly examples for my kids to mirror. This includes our marriage.
Daniel, is the one I said yes to for the rest of my days here on earth. I chose him above all else and have to nurture that relationship. I must continue to invest in that relationship or it will go stale. I remember my dad writing me a letter, my sophomore year in college, during their move to Connecticut. In this letter his first line was “Your mom and I are picking up where we left off 21 years ago.” My brother was 21 at the time. He we sharing how life, with his wife, had been put on hold when we came into the picture and now he was going to make it about them.
What am I teaching my kids about marriage?
The question arising from my mind is what happens during the hold? How is the marriage going to sustain if all attention is on the kids? If no time is given to nurture and continue to develop the marriage relationship how does it grow? How are they learning to love their spouse when the day comes for them to step into those shoes? Will my kids walk into marriage believing it is all about them because that is how they grew up? Do you really want to end up in salvage mode?
I want my children to see Daniel and I pursue one another, love one another and nurture one another. I want them to see how we serve one another as God exemplified. It was cute on Thursday, as I was about to leave. The girls looked at me, with big smiles, and said “We know what daddy has planned but can not tell you”. They are learning even now the importance of mom and dad still loving one another and how the pursuit is important. On Friday, I asked the girls why Daddy spoiled mommy the previous day. One replied, “Because daddy loves you and wants you to feel special.” We then talked about how husband treats his wife and a wife her husband. They are seeing it lived out in front of them. It is not always perfect but they are learning from those moments to as we ask forgiveness and forgive one another.
The children become secure and confident.
Husbands, I want to challenge you to think out of the box. Daniel knew that we have had guests in and out of our house since February. He saw the cleaning, cooking, running around to sports games and practices we have on our calendar. Adding in him becoming Pastor of the church was a lot of change to our schedule. He heard when I asked him to be patient and gentle with me in his responses to things, as our life was moving in a different direction. He saw some weariness and even the fear of feeling second to his new position. Instead of ignoring or becoming annoyed by this, he chose to make me feel special. Most of all, he made me feel wanted and desired. Husbands, chase your wife. Listen to her when you go shopping, make note of things she says she likes and maybe surprise her with one of those items. You do not have to spend a lot of money; even flowers are nice. Knowing you were thinking of her, during the day, makes a difference. Talk to your children about how beautiful, amazing and wonderful your wife is. Trust me, it brings a peace and joy into the home as they see the security between their parents. You chose your wife for the rest of your life. Don’t stop now dating her; continue the pursuit or rekindle what you thought was gone. Make time, however that looks, in your marriage for her. Let your kids see how important she is to you.
Tell Her She is Beautiful
Wives, and specifically mother’s this challenge might be harder. Today, more than ever, I believe we are pressured to make everything about our children. We are to meet every need, spend as much money as possible to give them all they want (not need, but want) and entertain them 24/7 or we are not a good mom. The problem this creates is the husband becomes last place. He wants time with mom (his wife) too, but we’ve given our full calendar to our kids leaving no energy or time for him. We begin to look at him with resentment. I am taking care of your kids you wanted. I am cooking, cleaning, meeting their needs and have no energy to meet yours. Unfortunately, resentment begins to grow towards his wife. So, wives, we are to also pursue our husbands. Find one or two nights a week, clear some time to sit with him, converse and rekindle the relationship. Cook a special meal for him or watch a game with him. Just sit next to him and acknowledge all he does for the family and you. Look for how he helps and tell him thank you.
Say THANK YOU
Husbands and wives, don’t give up. Each of us live in different circumstances. I believe, if you make each other a priority you will begin to see a difference in your relationship. Make a standing date night each week. Catch up with one another by talking about your fears, worries, dreams and joys from the week. Engage one another, however that looks for the two of you. Tell what you are thankful for about the other. Find ways to show your thankfulness. Be creative and enjoy one another. Your children will learn from this as well. Let them understand mom and dad are important to one another and are to continue making one another important. It will influence them for the rest of their lives while nurturing a strong, loving marriage for you.
Don’t wait until you’re in salvage mode. Begin restoration now! Pursue one another.
NOTE: There are great books and group studies you can go through. Accountability is huge as well as helpful when you need advice. Our church did a Re Engage (Watermark Church) program for two years. The following year we did “For Men Only” and “For Women Only”. We had our youth, along with an adult sponsor; watch the children for $5.00 a family. We paid our teenagers $25.00 a week for 8 weeks (church helped pay the difference). Our goal was to minister to families in the community while also helping to create a date night for couples to engage one another. We met for an hour to discuss the materials and then the couples went on a date for the next three hours. During this, the teenagers – whom many were kids of the parents attending – watched as their parents connected and had fun together.
We want to help couples create a firm foundation and that starts first with Christ. Next, is nurturing one another. It is too easy to get disconnected in this busy world and fall apart. So, we provide the means to go on a date and continue to pursue one another. Lastly, the family grows stronger and more secure. We want to keep our couples and families together and it starts with creating an opportunity we all can put it into practice.
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